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It Mean’s What?
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There comes a time in every nerd's life where he wants to put to use that seemingly useless information, the same useless information he prides himself on. This despite the fact that even putting it to the use defeats the purpose of knowing it, for it no longer becomes useless does it.
This is the time when he changes the term from 'useless' to 'use resistant' - a term incidentally I have now patented.
What better use-resistant information to use that the work of a wordsmith. Indeed, this is the purpose of this page - to encourage the art of word makeruppery and usemoreitiveness.
Between 1999 and 2001 the writer of this site, clearly with little to do at work, imbibed in Hodiernal semantics, that is, words for the day. Or is it word for the days? I guess that depends on how often the word is put out there and for how long it lasts.
Regardless, the pattern was as such : state a word, define the word, use the word in a rather bizarre manner that often involves talking vegetables, left field fairy tales and mind plucked news articles.
Here's a few to start it off (I will post more when I feel like it, or when I release the book)
Warning : reading these words and usages may well cause uncontrollable urges to don bottlecap glasses and sing to the fact you want to be a lumberjack. Please to not attempt intelligent conversation, onion peeling or calculus for at least three hours after reading this.
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1.
Epistaxiophobia
Definition : The fear of nosebleeds.
Usage: (from the August 13, 1997 Bobville County Gazette and Pet Cage Liner)
School Sued over Schoolboy Pranks
-Bobville, Louisiana
Judge Neill-Danny N Bredd of the Bobville County Court ruled last night in favour of the Parents of Mary-Sue-Jean and Bobby-Lee Junior Rollicks in their case against the Bobville Elementary School and Landfill Association.
The Association was taken to court over an incident in the schoolyard three and a half years ago when two other boys, both named Bobby-Fred, convinced the two Rollicks children that there was a penny up each of their noses. In an attempt to retrieve the funds their fingers apparently became lodged in the nasal passages and upon surgical removal by Dave, the Schools trained woodpecker, reports would indicate that their noses did begin to bleed.
As epistaxiophobics, the children were petrified and ended up running into brick walls after running around in circles for 13 minutes and 29 seconds. The court heard that the two children were targeted for their intellectual prowess, being labelled "nerds" by the rest of their peers. It is of course scientifically proven that "nerds" are scared of nosebleeds.
The children are part of the schools gifted class, after they were able to use three syllable words and will only have to spend three years in second grade instead of the average five years.
Though the ruling is declared suppressed, the Judge later revealed after a few shots of Unleaded 91 that they received One Hundred and Nineteen pounds of grits each and a pet ferret.
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2.
Balatronic
Meaning : Adj. Clown-like.
The following excerpt was taken from the book "Clowns - The Unhappy Years " Chapter 15 - The burning of the Unicycle
Perhaps the most distressing period of Anti-clown behaviour would be the infamous Unicycle Bomber of 1756. After an attack on the National Department of Silly Laws and Basically Dumb Stuff (later renamed the American Cultural Heritage Society and Barbie Doll Club) public scorn was directed at the Clown public.
Anti clown demonstrations ensued, with many clashes between those who stood for truth, justice and the American way and those who weren't clowns. The Colonial Government enacted the Balatronic Bill of 1756, which outlawed all wearing of red noses and the possession of squirting flowers attracted a stiff penalty : going to bed without supper.
This harsh punishment forced at least 1500 clowns to reneg on their pledges of Clownship and beg for a spot of tea. Others, though they sobbed themselves to sleep and hugged their Roosevelt Bears managed to stand firm for their intellectual calling.
The persecution continued until that July the 4th when the colonies accepted the clowns and not the crowns.
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3.
Legerdemain
(pr. Lej-iid-im-ayn)
Meaning : n. Sleight of hand
(please note, I thought it was spelt 'slight' , but apparently it's not)
The infamous Tea-towel war of 1894 in Bolivia was probably the worst fabric-harming incident in modern history. It far out-flicked the Spanish Flick War of 1643 and the poorly recorded Great Flick Out of Berlin in 1506.
Notable historical documents of that era point to the beginning of this tragedy as somewhat hazey. But one theory is that Jose Miguelos, a respected legerdemainist of the time produced a coin from the ear of a poor Bolivian Farmer. The coin was of little value, however an angry landowner and master of Ancient Bolivian Nose Wrestling took exception to the fact that the coin produced from his nose, not ten minutes earlier, was of smaller value. Holding their noses in high esteem, the Sociedad de Boco Bolivia (Society for Bolivian Noses) retaliated. Jose Miguelos was a notable member of the Guild of Flickers, and the war was started.
Taken from Volume 9 of Flick or be Flicked - the History of Fabric Warfare
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5.
Noctivagant
Meaning : Adj. wandering about at night.
The following transcript was taken from the Documentary and Calendar series,
"When Small Vegetables Attack 7"
"No other vegetable is reponsible for terror and mayhem as the dreaded Potato. At any time potatoes have been documented to attack with little remorse. One such victim was little David Rogers. In 1993 David or "Davo", just 34 years old, a resident of Dungaree in the Northern Territories of Australia, was taking his usual stumbling noctivagant walk through his kitchen in his "underdaks" searching for some beer. Listen as he recounts what happened....
'Yeah mate, it was shocking aye. There I was, jes walking through my keetchen looking for some Castlemaine, I was quite thirsty see mate, and then thees beeg potato like stood in front of me. And he started calling me names, then there was pushing . I tried reaching for the potato peeler I had concealed in my daks mate, y'know just een case. Then these other potatoes started to gather round mate, and started to ...... <<voice breaks and stutters>>> started to tell me about their mates what had been turned into...into...whiskey mate. And they tell me that they saw me dreenk some. Mate......mate....they... said that "It was the same day David , the same day",....and then they started prodding me weeth sticks. ..... I promised myself I wouldnt cry'
But alas, despite Davo's promise. He did cry. And as a result is mocked by all Aussie blokes now. Davo's chance of making it...is destroyed. By potatoes. Coming up after the break, find out what to do when confronted by a potato. "
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4.
Stasibasiphobia
Meaning : The fear of standing up and walking
Excerpt from Potato Head Kids - The Movement Free Generation
by Hans Drummond of the Katikati Society for the Study of Remote Overuse Syndrome
Leaps and bounds were made in helping those Stasibasiphobics around the globe, some 13 million as at 1998, in the Annual Couch Potato Convention in Eric, Utah this past May.
Developers of Dedicated Web-TV internet browsers have coupled together with well-known television giants to create an environment which removes the neccesity for standing up and walking. The user can remain in the luxurious seating and access the net and cable and any one of nineteen thousand options, including the "Back'n'Crotch Scratcher 2000" and the now widely used CaphitaMaster.
The Gherkin & Pickled Onion Federation has been notably left off the development team, due to possible internal conflicts in the Bowel2000 Generation Unit.
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“When Small Vegetables attack XII”
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6.
Probouleutic
(pr. pro-boo-lu-tik)
Meaning : adj. pertaining to prior discussion or deliberation.
Excerpt taken from the Famous Five and the Adventure with the Weetbix.
..George looked shocked as the weetbix, previously hiding in the bowl of milk made a lunge for Timmy.
Timmy, who was previously Knighted for his services was understandably shocked at the sight of the Weetbix jumping.
"Oh Timmy, don’t worry old boy" Chimed in Brave and ever-so-chimey Julian "being that I am ever so brave and quite a negotiator, while you weren’t looking I
I undertook a probouleutic bantering with this young biscuit of wheat."
"Julian! Can you work your marvelous marvels on some troublesome golliwogs?" Asked Noddy, who had accidentally stumbled into the wrong Enid Blyton novel after taking seven secret sips of Nancy Drew’s magic cider.
Nancy, who was serving time in suspenders for being meddlesome had also once lodged the same complaint of the famous five.
However, due to the overwhelming fame of the five, especially Julian and George who were at least the most famous of the five, the charges were dismissed.
"Thanks" said Timmy, who could always speak but chose not to, unlike Julian who liked the sound of his own voice.
"I do not like the sound of my own voice! " exclaimed Julian while grasping a tape recorded accidentally on record , obviously not for any later listening reason.
Meanwhile, the Weetbix had escaped and was wreaking havoc on the pantry. Everyone knows never to let a Weetbix look at your mouth.
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