Unit 7: Jumping

Blondes should most certainly have rather amazing 'bouncy' powers, commonly known as the B factor. And I am not talking conditioner and the odd apple juice here. For all blondes must have unreal reserves of jumpiness at their disposal, jumpy muscles (and in some cases Scallops) should be well used and toned whilst other unjumpy musciliskimmies must remain untoned and deprived of nourishment.

A famous blonde once said "Hello", but as that has zero relevance to this subject, we won’t delve into the intrigue , mystery and all in all spookiness surrounding that infamous incident. Yet, when craftily rearranged using sophoneticated reasonings and my "Little Book of Bizzare Codes to Suit Every , Well Almost Every, Occasion" by Franz Henry Duffenheimerrickenstein one can clearly come up with "Jumping". So the point of this rather blunt line of explanation is, that BLONDES MUST JUMP, not only that, but additionally the actual act of jumping must indeed be blonde also . That’s right Scotty!! No normal jumps will cut the cheese or slice the bacon, metaphorically speaking of course.

Jumping techniques for blondes were handed down through generations of blondites who knew not the full extent of their powers. To some degree they were indeed unrealized potentialriffic blondes. Granted, they were not boldly going where no blonde had gone before, or anything mad like that , but, YES BUT, they did accidentally create and pass on the ancient art of Transallajumpadociousreallifurntrglitus , yes, I know they couldn’t spell it, but I had to put something fancy in. In order to savour and reserve all energies of a craniul persuasion to more fruiful expulsion than to pick over semantics, they shortened this art to TRANITUS, meaning of course, "To Train" as in track - they weren't all that hot with their neo-latin antics. This art was in brief , the art of Jump Toning. These arts are said to harness the actual ability to jump in a blonde way. So famous was it that a nursery rhyme dealing on blonde mice was created - "Three blonde mice, three blonde mice , see how they jump, see how they jump, they all jumped in the blondest way, they all jump in the blondest way, three blonde mice". However, so catchy was this tune of marvel, or marvelous tune, if you would, that it was most certainly plagiarised (from not brushing between meals) .

Constant practice in contracting and relaxing the anti-jump muscles will prove most invaluable in the actual jumping procedure. Says the protocol on jumping - "If it comes about that he who calls himself blonde jumps well [let him be] exalted amongst those of like [pigmentation], however if he [jumps poorly] then [slap him in the] face with [a] wet [fish] until [the fish is] no longer wet. And this is the way in which you [should] chastise the one who cannot [jump]" - XXXIV pp110-111 .